I know I'm not alone when I say this but I'm a daydreamer. However, I may differ from others when I say what I daydream about. While I may not daydream about this often (mostly because I only think about this during the spring and summer months) but whenever I do, I find myself feeling slightly isolated. Earlier today, as I was walking out to the garbage cans, I wondered about those who were heading off to amusement parks. I thought about families that were on vacation. I thought about those who were doing entertaining, exciting and fun events while the rest of us went to work or were just wandering around in a mindless state.
I wonder if someone is getting up in Florida in their hotel room and is about to head out to Universal Studios or Disney World this morning.
I wonder if someone in Utah is getting up right now and bitching about they have to go to work in an hour.
I wonder if someone in Indiana is writing about something similar to this before heading back to his/her dull and dreary lifestyle before ending the night in bed....
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
My first time
I started my first official PT job this past Monday. Of course I won't exactly be getting my hands, literally, dirty until tomorrow but I thought I should post as to what's going on. Back in June, I filled out an application and met with a manager. A week later I was told that I was hired and was told to report on Monday July 5th. When I went in on Monday, I met the only other new co-worker that was hired at around the same time as I. That first day, we filled out paperwork and made our minor introductions and watched a couple of videos. Yesterday was spent on the computers; we were required to go through several programs to further "educate" us on what we were doing and what we were dealing with. Today was my day off (the other had to go in today but will be off tomorrow before going in for training on Friday night) but tomorrow morning, I get to start training (which will continue, I'm assuming, through the weekend). Yesterday and Monday, I'm not going to lie, I just wanted to rush through everything just so I can start training. I tend to get antsy when people tell me about what I'm going to do as oppose to showing me or letting me do it. A fine example happened last year. Last year I had a temp. job at a county fair (my job was make sure the bathrooms were in tip-top shape and to clear the garbage in the mornings. The first day I was there, I didn't do a damn thing because I was being told what I was going to be doing. Thankfully the fair wasn't officially open but I was just ready to go out there and actually DO something. I know that all of the "pre" stuff is mandatory so they can at least say that they told you so, but I tend to learn by experience and not by reading or being told. But now that I have an actual job, I can drive past the agency that ships their workers to factories and hope for the best (I went to them a few times and was not given anything because I did not have any factory experience and any general assembly positions were always given away as soon as they came in without giving anyone else on their waiting list a fair shot) and give them the one fingered salute while I honk my horn. Fuck the one snobby bitch who sits behind her desk and smiles at the hillbillies who go in there with a hope and a child support payment to make when really, you can tell she does not want to be there. Fuck the one who crushes those hopes with his lisp and promises nothing but false hope. I will do my best to avoid that office and hope that I'm at my current position while I work on my storytelling abilities. Once my writing is accepted, then I can go off and do what it is that I really want to do. I'd rather have a career than a job....
I'm waiting for my October nights and my December Days
As I sit and sweat through another July scorcher, my mind drifts off to those days where the coats and sweatshirts come out and those nights of keeping warm underneath blankets with socks (hopefully) keeping toes warm enough. Growing up, I was never a fan of summer. Sure it meant that being away from school but the discomfort was always there. Let's face it, no one enjoys being around one another in the humid hours. However, all of that can change if you're in an air conditioned space. Of course the summer days can be especially to those with the extra pounds (like I had during my teen years). Dammit, I'm not going to lie, those years were especially cruel. Because of the extra weight, I would start to sweat as soon as I stepped outside. It was uncomfortable and disgusting. I couldn't even walk around the library without having sweat run down my face as if I had just run a marathon; the air conditioning was always at a great temp. and yet there I was, a big ole sweaty mess. Now that the pounds are coming off, while I still perspire, I'm not as disgusting dripping like I was before. Now its okay for me to be in the heat for a bit before the beads form on my brow. Despite that small "yay" factor, I still yearn for the cold days when I am more relaxed and more at ease. Though there are some places where it brings me back to those days and those nights (they set the temps at ridiculous numbers and therefore the feelings are recreated in a teasing sort of way) and its then that I want to give them the one fingered salute. Nothing will ever beat the real deal....
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Entry Number Two
Yesterday I posted the first of many regarding my journey down the weight loss path. Having mentioned that starting weight was 445 lbs, only to end up at 170 lbs. How I came to be at such a spot was not easy I can tell you. But before I can continue my journey, perhaps it would be best to explain my eating habits while I was in high school.
Back in high school I would not eat breakfast. Whenever I would try to, the food would end up coming back and landing either in the sink or in the toilet. Some told me that it had everything to do with nerves; which I found to be irrelevant since I saw the same people day in and day out. I personally believed that it always took me awhile to become comfortable before eating. Either way that was mistake number one.
My lunch hour always seemed to be around the same time so my first meal would not arrive until 11. The lunch periods that I had for all four years were never crowded and I was always seated amongst strangers (which is a topic that I will share ONLY with my shrink if I ever get one). I would always bring my own but I would also step into the snack bar line for my milk and the occasional salad. I was smart enough to avoid the juices and water since both were expensive and not to mention that the juices weren't always 100% either. So in a way, I dodged a bullet but not by much.
My lunch would always consist of, unless otherwise specified, two sandwiches (turkey, mayo and cheese on white bread), chips and dessert (whatever just happened to be in the pantry that was either cookie or snack cake). I would devour everything and remain rather full through out the day. So in a way, it was a blessing but it was also a damned curse. Having realized my mistakes now, such memories cause me to shake my head. But rather than curse the past, its best to enjoy the present.
Whenever I returned home, I would always snack and THIS WAS ONE OF MY BIGGEST MISTAKES. You know how you'll hear an overweight person describe how they could eat three gallons of ice cream or twenty hamburgers in one sitting and so on and so forth. Um yeah, let me clear something up. I WAS FUCKING OVERWEIGHT AND I NEVER ATE THAT MUCH! Such stories always (and I mean ALWAYS) pisses me off and causes me to roll my eyes. Us overweighters have normal sized stomachs, we just ate the wrong things and often have just a bit too much than we should. WE ARE NOT MUTANTS!!!
Anyway, whenever I would come home I would ALWAYS pop something in the oven. Whether it was Chicken Nuggets, Pizza, Mozzarella Sticks or even a frozen, processed Lasagna. Now the nuggets and the Sticks I would always cook 10-12; the pizza and the lasagna would always cook whole and I would always devour the entire dish because I was always SO hungry. Now this was usually around 3:30-4:00.
Dinner would always be around 7:00 -8:00 which was around the time that my mom came home and would cook dinner. By this time, my "afternoon snack" would have already settled by then and my hunger would return. So I'd eat my fill at dinner and then wait until 10 before having dessert. Whether it was ice cream or cookies, I always had just enough to curve my sweet tooth.
I'd be in bed at around 11:30-12 with satisfaction in knowing that I was "well fed". I never snacked when I should have been sleeping nor did I ever give any leftovers a "taste test". I believe that to be a stereotype in the obese community. I mean come on, no one is ever that hungry in the early AM hours unless they haven't eaten at all or they've been out drinking or smoking whatever they found in their bellybuttons.
When it came to Friday & (if I was lucky) Saturday nights, I made more mistakes. I would LOVE to tell my readers about my personal connection to movie theaters but I'm afraid I cannot. But to further move along this story, lets just say that back then, you could always find me in SOME cineplex on a Friday night (and possibly Saturday night). My routine for such day(s) would go like this:
-Buy Ticket (always 45-30 before showtime)
-Get concessions (which always included the largest tub of popcorn (WITHOUT BUTTER; stuff never tasted good) and the largest cup of soda (either Coke or Sprite unless they had cherry coke) and if I wanted candy, I brought in the stuff myself)
-Wait until auditorium was ready before heading in
-Watch film
-Leave and head out to vehicle
- Before heading home, head to nearest fast food joint (preferably something that I enjoyed) and get whichever sounded good that night.
-Head home and head off to bed.
OH..... MY....
Yeah. Let that one sink in. The popcorn+pop+possible candy+ burgers= ONE HAPPY CAMPER back then and one disgusted blogger right now.
So that's what I consumed during my high school years. I neglected breakfast, had a satisfying lunch, snacked BIG TIME before dinner, had second helpings during the evening and always had dessert before bed while my stomach cried on the weekends.
*sigh* Twas the life I led. Do I regret it? Not really. I'm disgusted by reviewing all of that but at the time, it was the norm for me. But speaking of "the norm", next entry I get to take you back to my life during high school. Oh this is going to be ever so much fun! Remember, permission slips are due before the trip.
Catch ya then!
Back in high school I would not eat breakfast. Whenever I would try to, the food would end up coming back and landing either in the sink or in the toilet. Some told me that it had everything to do with nerves; which I found to be irrelevant since I saw the same people day in and day out. I personally believed that it always took me awhile to become comfortable before eating. Either way that was mistake number one.
My lunch hour always seemed to be around the same time so my first meal would not arrive until 11. The lunch periods that I had for all four years were never crowded and I was always seated amongst strangers (which is a topic that I will share ONLY with my shrink if I ever get one). I would always bring my own but I would also step into the snack bar line for my milk and the occasional salad. I was smart enough to avoid the juices and water since both were expensive and not to mention that the juices weren't always 100% either. So in a way, I dodged a bullet but not by much.
My lunch would always consist of, unless otherwise specified, two sandwiches (turkey, mayo and cheese on white bread), chips and dessert (whatever just happened to be in the pantry that was either cookie or snack cake). I would devour everything and remain rather full through out the day. So in a way, it was a blessing but it was also a damned curse. Having realized my mistakes now, such memories cause me to shake my head. But rather than curse the past, its best to enjoy the present.
Whenever I returned home, I would always snack and THIS WAS ONE OF MY BIGGEST MISTAKES. You know how you'll hear an overweight person describe how they could eat three gallons of ice cream or twenty hamburgers in one sitting and so on and so forth. Um yeah, let me clear something up. I WAS FUCKING OVERWEIGHT AND I NEVER ATE THAT MUCH! Such stories always (and I mean ALWAYS) pisses me off and causes me to roll my eyes. Us overweighters have normal sized stomachs, we just ate the wrong things and often have just a bit too much than we should. WE ARE NOT MUTANTS!!!
Anyway, whenever I would come home I would ALWAYS pop something in the oven. Whether it was Chicken Nuggets, Pizza, Mozzarella Sticks or even a frozen, processed Lasagna. Now the nuggets and the Sticks I would always cook 10-12; the pizza and the lasagna would always cook whole and I would always devour the entire dish because I was always SO hungry. Now this was usually around 3:30-4:00.
Dinner would always be around 7:00 -8:00 which was around the time that my mom came home and would cook dinner. By this time, my "afternoon snack" would have already settled by then and my hunger would return. So I'd eat my fill at dinner and then wait until 10 before having dessert. Whether it was ice cream or cookies, I always had just enough to curve my sweet tooth.
I'd be in bed at around 11:30-12 with satisfaction in knowing that I was "well fed". I never snacked when I should have been sleeping nor did I ever give any leftovers a "taste test". I believe that to be a stereotype in the obese community. I mean come on, no one is ever that hungry in the early AM hours unless they haven't eaten at all or they've been out drinking or smoking whatever they found in their bellybuttons.
When it came to Friday & (if I was lucky) Saturday nights, I made more mistakes. I would LOVE to tell my readers about my personal connection to movie theaters but I'm afraid I cannot. But to further move along this story, lets just say that back then, you could always find me in SOME cineplex on a Friday night (and possibly Saturday night). My routine for such day(s) would go like this:
-Buy Ticket (always 45-30 before showtime)
-Get concessions (which always included the largest tub of popcorn (WITHOUT BUTTER; stuff never tasted good) and the largest cup of soda (either Coke or Sprite unless they had cherry coke) and if I wanted candy, I brought in the stuff myself)
-Wait until auditorium was ready before heading in
-Watch film
-Leave and head out to vehicle
- Before heading home, head to nearest fast food joint (preferably something that I enjoyed) and get whichever sounded good that night.
-Head home and head off to bed.
OH..... MY....
Yeah. Let that one sink in. The popcorn+pop+possible candy+ burgers= ONE HAPPY CAMPER back then and one disgusted blogger right now.
So that's what I consumed during my high school years. I neglected breakfast, had a satisfying lunch, snacked BIG TIME before dinner, had second helpings during the evening and always had dessert before bed while my stomach cried on the weekends.
*sigh* Twas the life I led. Do I regret it? Not really. I'm disgusted by reviewing all of that but at the time, it was the norm for me. But speaking of "the norm", next entry I get to take you back to my life during high school. Oh this is going to be ever so much fun! Remember, permission slips are due before the trip.
Catch ya then!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Entry Number One...
When you start to lose weight, you remember what started that life altering decision. For some it might be when they couldn't fit inside of their jeans. For some it might be when they realized that they couldn't play with their children anymore. The list itself can go on and on so I am going to stop right there.
I realized my root back when I was in high school. When I was growing up, food provided me a form of comfort that I accepted. I was young, naive and completely unaware of what I was doing to my body. I loved only comfort foods and turned my back on the healthy alternatives. Favoring soda over water, pizza over salads and the like. I did not care about portion sizes and simply ate until I was hurting. Exercising..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! It was no wonder I hated gym as a child and chose to head into JROTC in high school.
It also has to be said that when I was growing up, I was also a sweatbucket. By that, I mean that whenever I had to climb stairs or walk for quite a bit or even spend five minutes in the sun than I'd become this disgusting and sweaty mess. Sweat would pour out from my forehead and my neck and seep into my clothes. I would hate myself whenever I became that bad. For the longest time, I actually believed that I had a few health problems related to the sweat but it wasn't until earlier this year that I found out the reason as to why I was sweating. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
To explain everything, I think you should know that my entries are going to be frank and somewhat messy but that's just how I write. I will not shy away from every dirty detail. My whole point of these entries is to give hope to others who are struggling with weightloss. The first time that I realized that I had a problem, I weighed myself and found that I was 445 lbs. That was my jumping off point and I've been keep track ever since.
As of today, I am 170 and loving every minute of it. However, my journey to get to this point is a bit of a long story (all the more reason why I'm telling my story in entries). I know that all of this is one just one big mess, but I promise to have my entries straightened out from this point on.
They say that every story has an element of confusion. I guess I just used mine up.
I realized my root back when I was in high school. When I was growing up, food provided me a form of comfort that I accepted. I was young, naive and completely unaware of what I was doing to my body. I loved only comfort foods and turned my back on the healthy alternatives. Favoring soda over water, pizza over salads and the like. I did not care about portion sizes and simply ate until I was hurting. Exercising..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! It was no wonder I hated gym as a child and chose to head into JROTC in high school.
It also has to be said that when I was growing up, I was also a sweatbucket. By that, I mean that whenever I had to climb stairs or walk for quite a bit or even spend five minutes in the sun than I'd become this disgusting and sweaty mess. Sweat would pour out from my forehead and my neck and seep into my clothes. I would hate myself whenever I became that bad. For the longest time, I actually believed that I had a few health problems related to the sweat but it wasn't until earlier this year that I found out the reason as to why I was sweating. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
To explain everything, I think you should know that my entries are going to be frank and somewhat messy but that's just how I write. I will not shy away from every dirty detail. My whole point of these entries is to give hope to others who are struggling with weightloss. The first time that I realized that I had a problem, I weighed myself and found that I was 445 lbs. That was my jumping off point and I've been keep track ever since.
As of today, I am 170 and loving every minute of it. However, my journey to get to this point is a bit of a long story (all the more reason why I'm telling my story in entries). I know that all of this is one just one big mess, but I promise to have my entries straightened out from this point on.
They say that every story has an element of confusion. I guess I just used mine up.
To walk in the Fall
As I was walking through town earlier this morning when I noticed certain smells that caused me to yearn for the autumn months. As I walked past the hospital, I caught wind of their chicken soup. It smelled of your typical cafeteria blend of chicken soup and that provided a comfortable feeling. The scent, no matter where it comes from, of chicken soup brings me back to those autumn months when the cool air drops but still remains warm enough to where you do not need the layers. The other scent that shouted, 'October' to me was the scent of the air at one very interesting spot. I was walking down a residential street when the scent hit me. Despite the fact that every school is out for the summer, there was hardly a noise to be heard. No vehicles, no dogs, no birds.... In a way it was eerie but the scent was what stuck out the most. It's rather difficult to describe but I will try my best to describe the scent. The scent had elements of school textbooks, dead leaves (despite the fact that every tree was full and green), cold air and charcoal grill as if it had just been used.
I think it'll inform you to know that I'm not a summer or a spring person. The warmer temps and I do now always see eye to eye. I much prefer the late fall and winter months. Maybe its because I am a romantic that I prefer to be underneath a blanket as oppose to throwing them towards the opposite sides of the room like I do now. Besides, the fall months always promise better attitudes in the common folk and a better atmosphere all around.
Monday, June 7, 2010
I have a craving
Usually when someone says such a line, they're always referring to some sort of food item; unless they're a sex addict then the situation becomes quite intense for them. Since I'm neither pregnant nor am I really hungry, my hunger is connected to an atmosphere. Sounds strange but just stay with me for a moment and I'll explain further. I'm a wallflower who chooses such because I prefer to absorb the atmosphere as oppose to the spotlight like those fame seeking whores that I've seen a few times too many. To me, the right atmosphere can make for the best time. If the element is stiff or too quiet than it will make for one interesting night. In high school, I always enjoyed the sounds of the conversation mixing with the slamming of locker doors with the bell rings adding a fine layer to the mix. When I was in college, I loved in the hallways of the various buildings and listen as educators and students talked about the most random things without there being a code of conduct to hold them back; for example, I once heard my Aesthetics of Cinema instructor speak to one of my classmates about the pros and cons about on-line dating. For me, I can be quite happy just by walking around a mall without a reason to buy anything. To listen to naive individuals as they gossip about celebrities, sex, food and the most random enjoyments can actually be quite educating. But for this particular craving, I'm actually craving holiday atmospheres; particularly Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not only do I crave those two dates in particular but I also crave the need for the atmosphere of the stores during those time periods. From the Friday before Thanksgiving to that Wednesday night before is quite intense for the day we celebrate the pilgrims and everything connected to their discovery. If you work in a grocery story then you have my sympathy. I've seen madness and I've seen chaos and I've enjoyed every minute of it. There is a rush of trying to find the right bird and finding all of the popular side dishes. Potatoes, both fresh and instant, fly off the shelves. Booze is quick to disappear as is boxes of stuffing and cans of cranberry sauce. Once the stomach has been stuffed, most leave to stand in some line at a retail store so that they can get the jump start on the winter holidays which brings a nice transition to my other favorite atmosphere: shopping for the winter holidays. The chaos and the rush is simply spectacular. The rush to find THE perfect gift (or any gift for that matter) is seen as this Wrestlemania take down but in reality, its all just one surprise after another. So why is it that I crave such feelings during the warmer months? I would normally shrug my shoulders but I believe I have an answer. Since this seems to be an annual event for me, I believe I have finally recognized the root of my problem. During those amazing weeks, I find myself caught up in the moment that I do not take a second to step back and look around. Now that I have the time and energy to just review everything that goes on, I yearn for such days. I suppose all of this sounds ridiculous to you now but when the time arrives, you will see what I mean.
Who I am
When asked that question, 'who are you', I open find myself wondering about such a simple question. Multiple answers could be given and yet how many of those answers are the truth? As children we are punished for telling a series of lies and as adults we tend to receive the same treatment. As adults, when we lie, we tend to turn those we love or we tend to lose our creditability. When pulled over by an officer for speeding, we often lie and say that we were not speeding; when heard of how fast you were going, generally you say 'aw shit, I'm screwed' inside of your own thoughts. But how does lying refer to who I am? I could lie and tell you that I am a successful and independent person who has the world on a pedestal. I could lie and say that I am a one of the most recognizable faces on this beloved planet of ours. I could also lie and say to you that my voice is one that has been spilling out from stereo systems for the past few years. OR, what I could do, is to tell the truth. I am an unemployed twenty-something who still lives with his family (but due to the economy, I'm happy to hear that it's no longer, odd or "out of the norm" to have such residency). I am an aspiring Storyteller who is waiting for his chance to showcase his work to the right representation. So that is who I am, an aspiring Storyteller by night and by day, just your typical unemployed twenty-something who is on the prowl for employment.
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